February 8, 2006
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I feel something streamofconsciousness coming on. I don't know--have just been thinking a lot about sundry things as of late.
It seems as though I'm a strange sort of dichotomy. On one side, I'm a very
emotional person; if I see someone in pain or crying, I am easily moved
toward emotion; I can be easily swayed toward giddyness, frustration,
anger, calm and contentment. On the other side, however, is a cold,
steeled, guarded and bitter person. Life experience brought me to this
point relatively late in life. Well, sort of, but I cannot tell the
whole story. I have been thrust into, and pulled out of, various
locations and situations, which I believe is partly responsible for
this part of me. The other reason, which I cannot go into fully, or at
all, is otherwise responsible. Let me just say that it's a terrible
thing to feel as if you're some sort of anomaly or abbheration, from
early on. Yeah. That really tears at the mind of a child. Uggh. Moving
on.So part of my point is...I was thinking today about where my life is
going, and where it will end. Will I be able to move past this cold and
distant self, into freedom, and not push people away? Will I ever truly
make myself available and vulnerable? To some of you I am/have: some by
choice, some not.I guess if I could change my life, and the circumstances surrounding it, I wouldn't.
But, I don't want to be one of those old men with ten cats, a bad case
of incontinence, and a deep, profound friendship with only the sofa and
the television remote.
Comments (8)
You're cool...
"Will I be able to move past this cold and distant self, into freedom, and not push people away?"
If you're already have a self awareness of something you want to accomplish, there should be no reason for it not be accomplished, if it's inner self.
As for the poker money, it hurts, but I'm up a decent amount from the past 2 months, so this will just be a self imposed break from online poker for awhile untill I have another catalyst to force me back (last time it was a speeding ticket).
cats: good. incontinence: bad. deep, profound friendships with sofas: stinky. tv remotes: useful -- and so much more!
maybe what you really need is a clapper.
my own bitterness and confusion re: my nomadic upbringing is slowly being rooted out, somehow. grace of god, i think. actually, honestly, no cheese: join a bible study. find a small group where the people actually talk to each other and be all there, even though no one knows you and half the prayer requests are about health problems and contentment with singleness. if they love god, it'll root in a lasting way. my own 5 week old experience with this has already begun to change my life somehow.
i think god likes to change us.
on a lighter note...what the heck are sundry things? i was just given $700 for sundry items while chaperoning a study abroad trip to happy utah. not sure what to do with the money. is a brand new road bike a sundry thing? keeping my fingers crossed.
Drew, you are a good man. I think we all find ourselves wondering who we really are from time to time. So as a woman who has seen you deathly ill, your wet laundry, and delirious from exhaustion (but not all at once:))...witnessed you so dipolmatically give really good advise to young men who really needed it and caught myself telling people so many times that you were "my saving grace"...I'm going to bank on the fact that at the end of your life God will say "Well done good and faithful servant." Hang in there Opa.
hey man. i find myself nodding my head in understanding when i read many of your posts, including this one, and thinking, "wow, i identify." i hear you.
i've had those kind of thoughts before. you definitely need to make them productive - be self-aware at the least...recognize why you're reacting the way you are...that kind of thing. honestly - we both know how our relationship/acquaintanceship is, but i honestly don't think that you will be that man that you are dreading becoming. so chin up! it's going to suck while you're in the mood, but when it picks up you'll see that you've grown inspite of (because of?) those thoughts and hindrances in life.
yes i started at the begining cause everyone i talked to insited that it wouldnt be good or i wouldnt get it unless i started from the start....
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