November 3, 2006
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Man, do I need to be sleeping instead of doing this.
My end has been predicted: At the age of 36, a group of children will begin to text message you continuously for three years, eventually distracting you while driving and causing a fatal wreck.
Awesome. More to come.
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**Edit: So, the “more to come” has come. I just can’t sleep on this ridiculous excuse for a sofa-bed the group home has provided me with. I’ve been thinking lately about that pesky law of thermodynamics. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. I think this can largely be applied to relationships. Who ever knew that the things one does can (and does often) profoundly affect one or more people? Who knows, while bent in rage or drunkenness or flippancy or disregard, the possible outcome? Damage inflicted?
God…it really makes me ill. Two things I’ve learned this past year that I just need to get off my chest:
1) You, me, everyone…we all have the profound and relatively easy ability to completely emotionally destroy a person. If you’re going to be a parent, friend, spouse, lover, whatever…be mindful of that. I see too much in this line of work that makes me wonder why we don’t just sterilize everyone and call it a day.
2) We have the profound and relatively difficult ability to repair and heal and help. This is much more difficult, and it seems as though we’re not all in it for the right reasons. Let’s get to it. Pony up.
Well, those two things and more. I feel like I need to say a lot.
I interviewed my grandfather last week. On film, with my cousin, Ryan. He’s been diagnosed with loads of cancer throughout his bones and blood and vital organs, with the exception of his brain. At any rate, I wonder if he ever felt inadequate in the presence of *his* grandfather. He sang to us an old German hymn, he recounted his early days of youth on the farm, his honeymoon destination, his singing tour–through Alberta and Saskatchewan–with Chief White Feather. Huh? Really. World War 2. Raising four successful children, who produced scads of grandchildren. A man of integrity and esteem.
I’m tempted more and more to just cut Xanga out altogether. I feel like I want to say things on here that I shouldn’t be saying. I also feel this old-time restraint slipping away. I think…why bother with it all when I can’t say what I want to say? When I don’t think people would want to hear what I have to say? When I feel limited to silly anecdotes and “Well, today was ok…” blah blah blah?
Thoughts of a fatigued, slightly discouraged fellow.
Comments (14)
kind of, intense. get some sleep, but you should say what you want to say more.
Hi Andy…don’t give it up. It’s the main way I keep in touch with you. Maybe make a new one for people you trust? Make a protected list? Love ya.
did you know that you are one of my favorite people in the whole world. If I had to make a list of people I would want to have contact with daily… you would be on that list. Thanks for all your honesty. I’m envious of your ability to communicate in a way that at least sounds vulnerable and real.
Keep doing what you do, you’re making a difference even if you don’t see it. When I get lost in the work I think of these lyrics…
I sober now for 3 whole months it one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars with myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
It’s difficult to be completely honest in a space that’s available for everyone to see. Just be yourself, don’t worry too much about what other people think of you. If there’s one thing that *I* have learned, its that people appreciate honesty more than you realise.
Its great that you interviewed your grandfather. Quite a few of my family members passed away when I was very young and I have no idea how they speak or what they were like or even what they did with their lives.
You’re one of my best friends, you know me better than anyone and you can’t give up this Xanga site, the headers are way too cool.
PS. I’m still here, where have you been? Pony up!
and so it goes… that book has fucked me up that we are reading now in school. always saying things and they go now where?
drew I think I miss you. as in I need to see you. I am glad that I am seeing the people I love this thanksgiving. we are migrating to angela’s house in minnesota.
damn rumford. I need some wine.
with love for the sake of wanting right reasons,
roy
Trust that those who truly know you and truly care for you see the message. Let’s face it, saying the things we need to say is no easier in person. Perhaps it’s even harder. The reaction is immediate and unfiltered. But when the time is right the things we need to say can be let out.
I hear the struggle in your posting and it pains me to think that you are unable to express the things that are obvioulsy important to you. Just remeber what you have just said yourself. I know some of the things you would express would cause pain and hurt. But for each one of those id the opportunity to heal and grow. And isn’t that what life is really all about?
XANGA is indeed a strange world. Open to everyone but somehow intimate. I always read the comments on your posts and I can see that there are people out there who need to feel connected to you in whatever way they can.
And who are these eveil text-messaging children who will cause your death?
just write anything you want and if people can’t appreciate your negative [?] thoughts as much as you positive ramblings, well… their opinions shouldn’t really matter… lol;;
I tend you write what I want to… perhaps I should learn from you to restrain myself sometimes from doing so…
I dunno.
Chin up. Not everything’s supposed to be sunshine and roses. Do the blog if it makes you happy, and don’t do it if it bores you. Don’t let it haunt you.
drew, please don’t give up on xanga. i think you’re one of the wisest people i know, and i’d be very much lessened by not being able to use your insight. you’re absolutely right, about our effects on people. being alive and having relationships is a big responsibility, one that we don’t take seriously enough. thanks for saying that.
What a wonderful time you had with your grandfather. The upside of a terminal illness (of which there are many downsides) is that you have warning, and so you can cherish the time you have left, ask questions you always meant to ask, say things you always meant to say.
Ooh, yes, the power we hold in our hands when we work with (or parent) children. A true dualism of fear and privilege. When I look at my kids I am terrified at messing up this most important job the Lord has trusted me with. Sometimes I want to say “What were you thinking?” or “Are you SURE I am supposed to have THREE of these?”. Hopefully this is followed by more of a reliance on Him and getting stuck into His word, so that I know how HE wants me to do it, as opposed to the latest parenting trend or my fickle emotions.
I suppose that Xanga has me thinking similar thoughts. What a powerful tool to communicate with others and to impact lives, but what a responsibility when our words our out there and anyone can read them. May the Lord grant you wisdom in your job and your Xanga writing. I, for one, am pleased I can keep contact with people in this way.
I am praying for you, Andrew.
Drew, I know I don’t post comments very often, but I read your entries quite regularly. It is my way of staying in touch with you. I would be sad if you stopped posting. I wouldn’t worry about what other’s are thinking from reading your entries. If Xanga is a way for you to express yourself, then do it. Whether it be some revelation from the Lord or just getting something off your chest, it can be really freeing to write it out. I think there is wisdom in careful consideration with the words we use, but feel that freedom in presenting ideas out there for the public. I love you and keep you in my prayers.
p.s. On a lighter note, I still have a Rascal Flatts sweatshirt for you. Let me send it to you. It’s way too big for me.
p.p.s. You’ve never been to Massachusetts? Or Greece? (Those might be the only places on your little maps there in the corner that I’ve been to but you haven’t. Actually, there’s one or two more. WAIT A MINUTE — You’ve been to Hawaii? Actually, also — I don’t like that map. Shows an awful lot of red states. Heh.)
I think we focus way too much on what’s happening around us, rather than ourselves. It’s ironic really. The more we focus on others, the more we forget that we need to grow and find healthier ways to live with ourselves. When we don’t do that, we end up fucking up other people instead of working through our issues and stopping the recurring patterns inour relationships.One cannot truly help and heal others until one has truly helped and healed one’s self.
Hey, make a protected list already and just say. I want to know whats going down and another thing, I noticed on your map theres a big chunk of white over Texas and I know a good way to solve that.