August 14, 2006
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Isn't it strange how fickle and unstable we are? Happy one moment, mountains of burden weighing us down the next; energetic and good to go, then fatigued beyond belief; confident of the future, or a nervous wreck over the simplest decision. Regardless, it's a very frustrating human condition. Guilt is another frustrating human condition. It seems that I feel a great deal of guilt when I have no reason to feel guilty. I feel guilt over the most normal things (like going out and having fun while knowing that someone might be at home alone, not having fun.) Honestly--why? I'm ridiculous. And I'm tired.
Has anyone ever endured a period of their life when all you needed were a few good friends, but the reality of your situation, your emotional state, and your inability to see past it all prevented you from having those friends? A self-defeating state, if ever there were one.
I've found myself thinking a lot lately about what makes me valuable. Why do I have worth? What does anyone see in me? I think--but not in a morbid way--about what people might say at my funeral. Or, would they say anything at all? Who would spend the money to show up, and who wouldn't? Interesting thoughts, I reckon. Whose lives would feel any real loss from my absence? You know--in a tangible way?
What a depressing post. Well...I'm moving toward honesty. And this is how I feel, folks. As my good friend, Nathan, said: "Take a deep breath and press on."
Cheers...~Drew~
Comments (5)
I dunno, but I REALLY hope that you get happy, or at least get some peace. For real, from a deep place. I don't like it when you're so sad.
...Not that you should not be sad just cuz I say it...but you know what I mean...
andrew--
so tell me. what exactly is their agenda? for example, by what you saw in those pamphlets, what was the information urging your friend to do? what activities was he involved in? the information wasn't simply a mental exercise in propanganda, i'm sure.
are these people saying to some underground followers somewhere that these 'jews, gypsies, jehovah's witnesses, etc.' made up these "holocaust lies" so that they can fuel their followers to acts of violence against these so-called story tellers.
"Drew was a man that everyone wanted to be around, a man who had a way of making people long to be in his inner circle of friends. He wasn't afraid to be out of the box, to think beyond the norm, to do his own thing. Drew had a great imagination, clever wit, and a heart that cared for others well. He was the guy you wanted to come hang out at your party, there was a karisma about him that made you feel valued. There was more going on in his mind than he normally let on...but you knew that it was always something intriguing flying around in his brain. Some days you would want to give him a hug just to let him know that he was amazing and some days you would want to hug the guy because he had made you feel amazing! If I were to make a list of the top people I would love to know better or live closer to...Drew would make that list for sure. We'll miss you friend!" ...that's a bit of what I would say about you Drew!
Oh, Andy.
i don't like to think about you dying... it's too depressing. when you die, a permanent hole will be torn in the weave of my kindred spirits. not many people can do that damage. what jodi said was good, tho. very true.
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