July 6, 2006

  • A Super(hu)man Concept

    So, tonight I went to see 'Superman Returns' at the movie theatre. There are a certain few things in life that still create within me that pure and giddy childlike delight. To name a few: nachos, an ocean breeze, James Taylors' "Carolina In My Mind," and yes...going to the movies. It's such a strange mixture of pleasure and pain for me, however. I raise my expectations; things will be perfect. The lights will dim, after ten to twenty minutes sitting in anticipation (because any longer is uncivilized, and hard on the bottom in the long run). My fellow moviegoers and I will immediately cease our small talk, and for an average of two hours, all involved will enjoy a blissfully QUIET Hollywood creation.

    Now, I realize that this can only exist in a perfect world. And while I'd love to lie and tell you that this perfect world is right here in Calgary....well, quite simply, it is not.  And while I'm thankful that the theatre does not reek of urine, or that I don't have to worry about rats nibbling at my feet (a throwback to my days in Malaysia), I do have a few complaints.

    First, I have to ask: why is it that they serve the loudest possible snacks at theatres? Popcorn. In paper bags. The only thing I can possibly imagine that would cause me a greater amount of pain would be....oh, I don't know....say, if they boiled live lobster right there in the theatre, and you had to endure the high-pitched squeal of their slow deaths. Then you have all sorts of snacks packaged in plastic bags. Honestly, kill me! The noise is intolerable. I imagine at some point down the road, they might just install a small casino in the back, with some slot machines, and maybe even a low-stakes blackjack table. Cause honestly? Why not.

    Next. I've never understood people who come to the theatre to talk. It's like some big cosmic joke! Like people who go to the swimming pool JUST to urinate. Of all the places I can think of to talk, this is probably near the very bottom of my list.  Lower than funeral and wedding ceremonies.  Lower, even, than at the dinner table with my grandpa, and that's saying a lot. Regardless, I find myself enraged by peoples' need for useless chit-chat during movies. What is so important that they must talk right then? Go to a coffee shop. Go see your therapist. A priest. All I know is that my patience is wearing thin, and the next poor frat boy wannabe who smacks through his bubbalicious to tell some double-digit IQ joke is going to regret it.

    So I'm here to add one more thing to my list of things that create within me that pure and giddy childlike delight: If you would all just SHUT UP! Cause I swear to all that's holy and pure, a pimp slapping is in order. Cause that's just how I roll.

    Peace Out!

    ~Andrew

    Currently Listening
    Something Always Goes Wrong
    By Dntel
    see relate

Comments (19)

  • You are the funniest person in the world.

    My personal addition: At the beginning of Fellowship of the Ring (and you remember what that anticipation felt like), girl leans over to boyfriend and says, "What's a hobbit?" And that was only the beginning.

    Death to girlfriends in movie theatres.

  • So I hear Superman Returns was a bomb.

  • one of my favorite movie talking stories comes from my friend James, who went to see Troy, a not good movie to begin with, and he sat behind this group of girls who talked to the movie (loudly) the entire time, and persisted in calling Achilles, "Hercules." Ex: [at a tense moment] "Hercules --- NOO!!" well, he tells it better, but let's just say i like to yell "Hercules No!" whenever possible. i loved this.

  • BLATANT "that's just how I roll" stealing in this post!  BLATANT!

  • this post makes me smile. you can describe a nightmarish scenario better than anyone i know. "double-digit IQ joke" "slot machines in the back". andrew so angry he wants to slap someone - rather scary, but still somehow makes me smile. :)

  • Wait, do you know someone I know who goes to the pool JUST to urinate? *gross shivers* I hate all the snack advertisements at the movies which remind all those loud audience members to grab a noisy snack, just in case they forgot.

  • ok, ok, ok.  the whole lobster scenario nearly made me pee my pants.  oh, AND

    was the movie any good?  i've heard some good and bad reports.  so, what say you?

  • oh, and go check out The Presets' song Girl and the Sea. 

  • you crack me up

  • Going to a pool just to urinate!  Bah!  Awesome.

    I am guilty, at times, of talking during movies.  But usually only if I don't really respect or have interest in the movie.  I talked all throughout "A Beautiful Mind," for example.  I just warned my friend last night that if I went to see "Superman 2 -- Electric Boogaloo" (or whatever it's called) with him, we'd have to bring other people that would tolerate my running commentary.  Oooh, running commentary!  I'll tell people I'm recording it for the DVD.

    No?

  • chris and i talked during "brokeback mountain". somebody had to.

  • nothings better than a good rant... well done my friend well done indeed!!

    seth

  • <TABLE id=HB_Mail_Container height="100%" cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0 UNSELECTABLE="on">
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    <TD id=HB_Focus_Element vAlign=top width="100%" background="" height=250 UNSELECTABLE="off">just one of many amongst your followers. I just thought I'd tell you I adore you and miss you. Reading your posts is usually delightful and refreshingly honest. Thanks.
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  • defintely feel ya on this one!  two words come to mind: SHUT IT!!(Spoken with thick Scottish accent)

  • but did you enjoy the movie???

  • They should supply IVs with a liquid form of popcorn so people can consume their popcorn in complete silence, intravenously! That's what they do here in SA. Calgary is so behind man! Tasting your food, having to chew and use your hands is so unhygenic, and SO last century!

    I love the html comment above, for those of us who dont see the html code but rather the actual table, similar to how Neo See's the matrix in code... just, the other way around. That doesn't really make any sense. I'd better stop now.

  • PIMP SLAP AWAY!

  • how true..  I nearly wanted to kill eight giddy highschoolers while I was watching MI3.  First I imagined skinning them, and then drying their skin in a scorching sun light, and then eating 'em.  ok. maybe not.  but u still get my vote.

  • but what are your thoughts on the movie itself? i saw it last weekend. the effects were amazing. the actor was hot. the plot?...not so sure. the age old story of good defeating evil wasn't quite there. "oh look, i'm going to save the liberal east coast from a growing land mass."

    it's hilarious seeing a movie like this is around DC. one of my friends initially refused to see it because they took out the reference to The American Way and replaced it with, "and all that other stuff."

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