August 26, 2004

• You guys must think I'm pathetic and emotionally distracted!  I'm honestly okay, so don't read into what I'm about to write.  Ok?

  
  

  I have had a very hard time since coming to Korea.  It has nothing to do with Korea.  It has nothing to do with where I'm working or what I'm doing.  I know any of you who've been reading my Xanga for any amount of time will remember the angst I endured after my dorm guys left in June.  It seems like I'm experiencing that anew here in Korea.  Who knows why.  All I know is that sometimes it's all I can do to paint a smile on my face and be useful. 

  
  

  Below is something I wrote in my personal diary, not intended for public consumption.  It was a week ago, when I was just feeling the need to verbalize everything that I was feeling.  I'm "publishing" it now ONLY so that those mentioned in it know how much I love them.

  
  

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  19 August 2004

  
  

  Right now, I can help but feel like Ie made a terrible mistake.  Ie done something I know I never should have done: I put on the Cast Away soundtrack and looked at pictures from my last two years in Germany.

  
  

   

  
  

  Let seehemes in Cast Away: loss, suffering, hope, love, sadness, despair.  The full gamut, it would seem.  And I must admit, that I feel like a cast away right now.  I stepped on a plane, ready, expecting a certain something.  But now that Ie landed, I feel something different.  Hope?  Yes.  Love?  Not yet.  But I can say for sure that right now I do feel loss, sadness, and a sprinkling of despair to top it all off.

  
  

   

  
  

  A reduction of all this would be: I MISS MY BOYS. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I miss Peter and his sarcasm, his intelligence, his honesty, and his musical talent.  I miss Shawn affection and good nature, and good taste in music (a taste he coincidentally shared with me!)  I miss Sunny smile, his humour, and the way he could hop around a room without touching the floor even once.  I miss Soo Chan (Squid) and the way he talks?Give me a cookie (good music), Drew!?and I miss seeing him in the kitchen working on a fresh batch of Neoguri.  I miss Jeff bizarre humour, much like my own, his back massages, and his integrity.  I miss Chris, whose beard was much better than my own, and who could play a host of accompaniment instruments (harmonica, jewish harp, accordion to name a few).  I miss Holden curiosity and the countless random, useless facts he had floating around in his supremely intelligent head.  I miss Jaridd for the same reasons I miss Holdennd because he loved to attack me, knowing full well he receive a good beat-down in the end!  I miss Bill for his honesty, his openness, his messed up sense of humour, his Canadianness, and because he was never scared to tell me just what he was thinking.  I miss Mark and his sexy South African accent, hiss he put ituggedly handsome looks, his deep intelligence, and his kindness.  I miss the way Edson interacted with me, because I feel like he knew he could be real with me.  I miss Dahoon just because he Dahoonlways trying to listen to Eminem on my hallway, but always knowing he wasn allowed to (and did he think I didn know who Eminem was?  Funny!)  I miss Luke because of his weirdnesst was refreshing in a world of relative norms.  I miss Erik, because he was super intelligent, without realizing it, which gave him an unusual humble naturend because he came into a new school his senior year, and kicked arse.  I miss Jake, a fellow Canadian, and one of the funniest weirdos I know.  I miss long, late-night talks with Andi about girls and relationships (which allegedly paid off, as he dating the woman he going to marry).  I miss David Armstrong and his ey, baby!?and hug every time I saw him.  I miss Adam and his devious ways, although I didn appreciate them so much at the time.  I got the most hugs, hands down, from Tim, and I'll miss him.  I miss Roy because of his humour, tender nature, intelligence, and his love for the German people. 

  
  

   

  
  

  Tolkien said that emory is not what the heart desires.?SPAN style="mso-spacerun: yes">  True.  I don want to remember these guys want them here with me.  But as it not possible, I want to intentionally remember them, because they gave to me much more than I could ever have given to them.

  
  

   

  
  

  My new dorm guys arrive in two days, and my prayer is that at some point in the years to come, I will be able to write an epitaph such as this, to them. 

  
  

   

  
  

  I love you guys, and Il miss you.

  
  

   

  • 11:52 am
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